-great ! im being annoyed by some arsehole who randomly added me on MSN and is now trying to tell me its wrong to put Eleo for adoption and that I'd regret. -
Angry rants (please skip if u're uncomfortable with vulgar words) :
Seriously, f*ck u! who are u to tell me whats right and whats wrong?! did u think i had a choice? ohwell, maybe i did. but i have my own reasons. u're just a f*cking stranger. who are u to try to tell me that i'm irresponsible and that my baby would hate me? don't just pop up in my life and lecture me. are u even a mother urself?! do u even know how painful it is for me to make this decision?! have u seen the tears i've dropped? have u experiece such a painful sepeartion?! do u know what it feels like to be forcefully removed from the person u love so much ?! who are u to tell me right from wrong? who are u to tell me Eleo would hate me? do u even know the pain u've caused me by saying tht? u havnt even seen how badly i cry at the very thought i'd lose my boy. i'm trying so hard. so hard to move on. to pretend. to let everything go. why? why did u have to rack everything up again? just when im getting used to the pain. just when my delutions are working. just when i can smile and laugh and move on with positive thoughts. Why did u have to come and thrase all these?! I hate u. seriously! what were u even thinking when u're telling a mum her child would hate her? do u know how painful this all would be? I hate you seriously!!!
I didn't blog to curse this dumb shyt. gimme a min to chill...
I wanted to blog about random things in my day. In my thoughts that i've processed these days.
I brought Freya to Alice88th to go there sit sit on saturday. Also went there and got poisoned by a 1/6 (30cm) doll. It was grey skin but super cute with the baby face! (^W^) makes me so tempted to buy a baby doll... Can be Freya's baby. LMAO ! Except Freya would hate me if i made her "babysit" a baby doll.
haha. and alice could see Freya's chrac from her face! (ok, we doll owners tend to believe VERY STRONGLY that our dolls actually have expressions) She told me , " eh, your girl looks like she' saying ' i'm too good and nothing in this world is good enough for me" " I LMAO-ed at that. In my eyes, Freya is definately a very proud girl. At least to outsiders. Nothing is really good enough for her, nither is anyone worthy enough to play with her. She is sooo arrogant, but she still can be humble depending on who she's facing. HEE.
We moved on and we were talking about Leonard. She was asking me why I don't sue him and make him compensate in some way or other. Like pay me money or make him go to jail for these 8mths that i've missed school. So it's like asking him to pay me back these 8mths with his life. But seriously, i won't do such things. I won't deny my hatred sometimes makes me wanna do things like that. Like I cann't stand the unfairness that he can just move on with his life. Get a new GF (God knows if it's just a rumour), continue going out with his friends, like nothing has ever happened in his life. I wonder why he isn't bugged by the fact he has a son somewhere. Why doesn't he feel anything to this son. But then, I never did anything to him. I wanted too. Make him pay me back or at least pay our son back something. he caused us to be seperated! [In my view] But I am humbled. Humbled by the Lord, my God. I always ask myself, " If God's the maker of heavens and earth, If God forgave me for my sins against Him, If God is the ultimate judge, and He doesn't punish Leonard, who am I? a mere human, to want to serve out punishment? Have i myself not fall into temptation, allowing this to happen? If I trust my God that HE is good, should i not leave punishment to Him ? " yes. this question keeps me from ALL revenge. I don't hate, and I've learnt to forgive him. There are human times when I still go, " wlao ! he very (fill in the blanks) lor !" But i don't don't want revenage against him anymore. I don't don't hate him anymore. I know we were both wrong. I know it looks like I'm serving punishment for an error we both commited. BUT! what if... what if this wasn't a punishment? what if from God's point of view, He is preparing me to be a solider for His kingdom 1day? I believe in this WHAT IF. I trust my Lord, that if Leonard deserves punishment, my Lord will not let him go. I believe if he wasn't fated to face punishment, my Lord, would work out just that way. I am mere human who have no rights to judge others of their sins. I Trust in my Lord, my God.
I find myself changing. People are telling me I'm becoming too soft-hearted, too easy to bully. I seek to differ. I find myself more Christ-like (WAHAHAHAHA). Nothing's wrong with being too humble, with being too soft. If my Lord is my God, if He is my Father, my Judge, what do i have to fear? If I'm bullied, my Father would stand up for me. I believe (^_^)
I'm maybe more all-Jesus-talk nowdays, but it's because, I've experience so much wonder in my life. Esp in a time like this. It's hard to not want to share how great my life is, how Great my God is. It's like getting a super great bargain ! (^o^) we'd share it with ALL our friends. And so, my life's no exception (^o^)
ohwell, so much for all the long typing.
-I'm super chilled now. after talking so much. haha!-
maybe the heartache will still run
maybe I'd still cry
maybe I'd live in so much denial
Bt I seek comfort in knowingit's not a wrong choice
Maybe more painful
Maybe more heart wrecking
But i know I've given you the best gift
The gift of -life.
And most importantly, GOD.
taken after medical.this is 1 of the few not-so-fat-looking pics.
this length :D
i like the long short effect :D
