hhisprincess leading an extra-ordinary life :D

I miss my Precious boy.

I havnt seen you. But now, at 23weeks, it seems like just another few days and you'd be real...

I so wanna breastfeed you. I wonder how that feels like...

Eveynight, when i start to get lonely, I remember you're with me...

Precious boy, how are you today?

Is my moods affecting you?

Is my unhappiness making you feel it too?

Mummy's trying very hard already.

keeping myself too busy to think, keeping myself occupied.

Sorry precious, I'm not doing well enough.

I want to spoil you so badly I want to give youso much.

But ... who am i ?

I swear I've grown FAT!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Look at my super bloated face.! No more picture taking for me. TSKTSK.

Baby! Mummy's gonna kill you you arse!!!!!!!!!!!!! How am I ever gonna go back to 46Kg? -signs

WINONA

Don't worry about me luhs. Haha
I'd be fine. I'm just learning. (:

Fat fat fat.
I gotta see from a new light!
I need to learn to be excited that I can still see my baby boy.
That he'd be happy.
That he'd be receiving the best.

If I don't start seeing things this way I'd go bonkers. LMAO

I can't sleep. Havnt slept for 2days?

*laughs

Abit of nap but definately cann't sleep.

Everytime I try to sleep, I end up waking up in tears, in hatred.
I curse them all who's alive. I curse them all for trying to take my baby.
I cry and cry over losing my boy. It's like a miscarrigae maybe worse.
I know he's alive yet I have to pretend so hard he doesn't exsit.
If i don't i'd get more attached to him, I won't be able to say goodbye.
I can imagine the day he goes, I'd lose my mind.
My heart would have died along with him, leaving a empty Jael behind.

Eleo, you're mummy's heart and soul.
Sorry I choose this road.
I know you'd be happier.
With a papa with a mama.
With new toys, with new clothes.

I pray, they'd pass this values to you.
Faith, Hope and Love.
Manners, forgivness and gratefulness.
Mummy values these highly in life.
Be a good boy, don't be like your daddy.

Don't put the girl you love through pain.
Don't reject her when she needs you the most.
Don't commit if you're unready.
Don't learn love too early.
Don't be too lonely,
Don't love she that is unworthy.

God has saved the best for you,
wait and you shall receive.
Your blessings will be more,
more than what you'd ask for.

Be strong,
Don't be like mummy.
Walk through every miztake and learn from them,
Let every warning signs from God lead you away from pain.
Watch and beware, for pain lingers in every corner.

Sorry Precious,
Mummy isn't there.
I promise, if there's a day you need me,
I'd be there.
That's the least I can do,
To protect you with love.
Take my life and lead it,
Make it fulfilling and worthwhile.
Make my every tear and evrey pain worthy of  a smile.

Sorry I cann't go to rest now.
Your development must be bad.
Sorry my mind refuses to sleep.
Sorry I failed.

I love you my precious boy.
More than words can say.
I'd die for you,
I'd die to make sure you lead a life of happiness
I love you my precious boy,
You're forever loved.

It's never gonna be the same.
I'm never gonna be me again.
I wonder if my brain will get tired enough to just shut down,
or will my unconsious mind keep me awake.
To avoid whatever feelings I may have.
I don't wanna go into the home.
I'd have too much alone time.
Not knowing how to spend,
I'd lose my mind.

-signs

Should I have expected this from the start?
Am I facing what I deserved?

Everything's so painful...
Every step in life is a new mask I've put on.
I learn to be ok, so people won't worry.
But I know deep inside,
I'm shattered,
torn into pieces.
Never to be whole ever again.

i've given up.

but i know i have alot to struggle through.

-signs

hopefully i can get 1 picture of eleo each mth.

then that'd be enough.

I'm gonna learn jap though.

like finally after saying for so long

(:

i've given up.

but i know i have alot to struggle through.

-signs

hopefully i can get 1 picture of eleo each mth.

then that'd be enough.

I'm gonna learn jap though.

like finally after saying for so long

(:

I swear. the only way i'd give him up is if u kill me.

make me desperate. when im desperate enough, i'd kill myself and take him along.

dont keep nagging about how im not open to other ideas.

u think u know so well whats best.

if i ever miscarry now, u know its not by accident..

yes, if i can't have him, no one can either.

i dun fucking care if im selfish anymore.

me not having him makes u happy?

then u all not having him makes me even happier.

fullstop.

u've done enough damage.

i'll tear this away on my own.

I'll take away my life on my own.

i dont need you to do it or make it worse fr me

ya, everything i didnt do k?

happy?

I'm dumbest.

if that statisfy u.

ya, u're ready for me to hate u for life.

I am too.

Go ahead, hate me for life.

I have no life left.

you've taken everything.

fuck this life.

fuck everyone.

i have nothing but hatred left.

u don't know.

nither will anyone else.

u all wont understand what u're putting me through.

all the desicions

all the persuasions.

do u even know how many times i want to adopt the baby away?

i even plan, when u take my baby away,

i wanna go extend my hair,

buy new dresses

buy coloured lens

buy pretty shoes

get my own house

design it anyway i can

but do u know?!!

do u know i cann't sacrifise all this to lose my child?!

ya its best for him.

he'll have a complete family.

he'll be happy.

he'll have toys.

convince me.

2times i prayed.

2times i got a yes.

i got 1 week.

1 fucking week to go sit down.

to go pray.

1 no.

if i get 1 no.

thats it.

u can have the child.

i henceforth refuse tohave anything to do with it.

i never given birth

i nver gotten pregnent

i never had a child

i never had a pass

i'd start life a fresh

i'd do anything i want

fine?

haooy?

contented?

dont speak to me.

ever again.

i want nothing to do with u.

i'm dead. fullstop

howdoyouevenexpectmetotakehislife?howdoyouexpectmeto pretenditallneverhappeed?

i give up.

take him.

i'm tired.

tired from all these tears.

tired from these constant fights.

enough.

enough.

i had enough.

leave me out.

out of everything.

it's just starting. reality is just showing itself.

If i want to keep the child, i must pay $500 deposit and the rest to be calculated.

I'm wondering... where to find this amt by 15th Nov? My stupid pay only comes in on 1st Dec earliest, Or latest news says 12th becos boss bz.

-cures and swears in any language i know-

Pissed off... ....

Anyone wanna donate money to me?

haha!

quick transfer money to POSB savings. 193-34138-1. LMAO~!

I want to raise Eleo on my own.

I know te many conciderations, but I cnn't give him up.

Even if it means sacrifcing everything in my life.

I want too.

Unless at last min something happen, else, I'd do anything to keep him by my side.

my stupid boy woke me u today.

ok, not entirely him, but still more or less.

I dreamt I was in a place that sells entirely Baby Boy clothes. And super cute ones at that. *LAUGHS
then I woke up just as suddenly as the dream started. (It was a super short dream. Like chnl8 advertisement that short)
When I woke up Eleo was punching/kicking me on my right side.

kick kick kick... 1 time... 2 time... 3 time...
So I was like, " ehh U! trying to be funny ar? "

then who knows he kick alittle more to the left.
Alittle alittle alittle...
Before u know it, Eleo's kicks are at the center.
kick kick kick...
alittle to the left... alittle alittle...
Then he's kicking my left side. (-.-)

The little rascal think he doing somersaut uhs? (-.-)
I super diao lor. TSK !

But it's still so cute (^o^)
LOVELOVE ~

Gotta prepare go work... ciao~